Taking a Load Off

Practical kindness in difficult times

Ok. I think I’m finally ready to talk about the support we’ve received over the last four weeks.

As I’m writing this, there have been 607 donations to my GoFundMe. It’s been hard to keep track of it all. Probably 50% of those donations came from people who didn’t even know me. Until my page found them, they’d never even heard of Gem. But they donated anyway.

I can’t explain what a beautiful feeling that fills my being with.

My host over here is a wonderful lady called Nisha. She is Hindu and regularly shares little Hindu pearls of wisdom during our chats. Today she was talking about karmic debt, and I enjoyed thinking about this as me cashing some of mine in.

I’ve had a lot of time to think about it, but I didn’t really have the words. When I was recovering after my last chemo in Scotland, I sat on a pebble beach thinking about all the people who had supported us in some way. Each person felt like a pebble.

Before I left, I was sitting with my friend Susan in our usual spot in her garden. Sun on our faces, birds in the background, tea in our hands, having the kind of weekly mum catch-up where you’re semi concentrating on each other, semi watching the kids, mostly redirecting them to stop interrupting, while trying to remember everything you both wanted to say in the space of an hour, so you end up frequently forgetting what you were saying and talking really fast.

I told her I could feel all these hands of support on my back.

I imagine it must be what crowd surfing feels like. Being carried safely by other people until your time in the crowd is up and you’re gently laid back down again.

Beyond the GoFundMe, there have been fundraising events organised for us too. Each one brought its own strong community. Two happened within our local community, and my husband and kids were completely blown away by the turnout.

Everyone in our family has been overwhelmed by the generosity of their friends.

It has all been one of the most heartwarming experiences of our lives.

My husband and I can both admit we’ve never been very good at accepting help. When you have high standards, it’s often easier to do things yourself because nobody else will do it quite your way. But, as I’ve said before, I’m in recovery from that part of my personality.

My motto now is: “There’s more than one way to do the dishes.”

Collectively, we had formed this habit of batting away offers of help.

But now I say yes.

And I wanted to write about what actually helps when you’re in a position like ours. When your brain is so full you can barely think straight. When life feels uncertain. When noise is coming at you from every direction.

This doesn’t just apply to cancer. It can be anything that turns your world upside down.

At times like these, the simplest things are the best.

I know when difficult things happen, people genuinely want to help. But many don’t know how. Sometimes they don’t know the person well. Sometimes they simply don’t know what would help.

I’m going to say this gently because I know it always comes from kindness, but there’s a phrase people often say that can feel surprisingly difficult:

“Let me know if there’s anything I can do.”

At a time when you can barely remember your own date of birth, having to think of ways to be helped feels impossible.

Occasionally I manage to use my precious brain space to think of something someone could help with. I reach out. They can’t do that day. And suddenly my energy is gone. It took everything I had just to get that far.

Daily life doesn’t stop just because your world has fallen apart. So if someone can remove even one tiny thing from the mental load, we will worship them forever.

Meals for the freezer.
Offering to hoover or clean a couple of rooms.
Taking the kids out for an hour (or a couple of days).
Bringing dinner if you’re coming to stay.
Chopping logs (although honestly I don’t think there are any left because my powerhouse of an uncle has already done them all).
Offering to do one DIY job.
Paying for my massage.

Going over for a specific task.
“Hey, I’m here to do this while you go and lie down on your bed for an hour.”

Offering the space to go and lie down while you clean the kitchen would honestly probably make me weep.

These little things keep people afloat when they feel like they’re drowning.

And the permission not to have to “host” is huge.

Someone offered to do our laundry. Literally taking a load off.

Another friend went through my to-do list and put items on hers instead.

Truly, if Substack did emojis, this whole piece would just be covered in hearts.

None of this has to happen every week. You want to support people, not exhaust yourself trying to save them. It’s a careful balance.

If you’re not in a place to help right now, that’s ok too. We’ve all got our own shit going on. Don’t drown yourself trying to save somebody else. Only do what you’re genuinely capable of.

There are some incredibly special people who have gone above and beyond for us. I can’t list all the ways people have helped because you’d never make it to the end of what I’m writing.

But if you ever need your faith in humanity restored, look for the helpers. The ones who step in after something terrible has happened. They are the light in the darkness.

We are truly grateful for every single person who has shown us love through this journey.

I’m smiling as I write this. How could I not, thinking about each and every person who has supported us?

I’d really love to hear from you on this.

What’s a small act of kindness that genuinely helped you in a hard time, or that you’ve done for someone else that really made a difference?

The practical, unglamorous everyday kind of help is what I’m most curious about. I’d love to have some gems up my sleeve.

Sending you so much love and so many hugs from New Delhi xx